hard to find

Sometimes you have to step away from everything in order to find what you are looking for. You cannot find something this elusive unless you step outside of your bounds and let go of everything that is familiar and safe. No cell phones, no internet, no tv, almost no people, no support groups, no polution, no noise, no traffic, no air condition, no news, no more material comforts that we have grown so accustomed to and have started to worship. You let go of all these things and you start to attain what seems impossible to find, but it's there and it's simply beautiful.

The sound of the ocean waves, the smell of the warm sea air, the sound of the breeze through trees that grow naturally, the feeling of true love... are all there. This place was difficult to get to. It is half a world away, by jet; another plane to another island; cab rides; a speed boat; a tricycle ride; 2 bus rides; a ride on the back of a motorcycle; a ride in the back of a covered truck; more bus rides; a pedicab; more tricycle rides; walking down 182 steps down a steep mountain path by the ocean; a bangka; getting ferried across a river by a little girl in a small paddle boat; walks down dark provincial roads only lit up by the moonlight; walks down long stretches of beach around rock formations with the surf crashing all around.... all eventually led me to where I needed to be.

This place is not so much a location on a map, but a location in my soul. I have searched. I have left behind. I have disappeared... only to have found and be found. I have realised that it is absolutely true that sometimes you must lose almost everything in order to gain back that which you have lost. I have come full circle. We all lose... innocence, love, simplicity, youth, ourselves ... but it is not lost forever. It is just hard to find.

September 2008

trying to get back

IMG_4491.JPG, originally uploaded by MataMedia.

It's been almost 5 months since I left the beautiful Islands of the Philippines. It was my first visit since I was born there some 35+ years ago and it was definitely a sort of homecoming. I remember the feeling of coming home when the plane touched down and the empty feeling I had in my heart as my plane left the earth to come back.

I said to myself that I will be back. When I was floating alone in the Twin Lagoon in Palawan, I looked up at the limestone cliffs and was really at peace. I felt really close to God as I asked him "what do I do now?" And a few minutes later my answer came to me, surprisingly. It was a beautiful sign and my life will never be the same again.

Since then I have been longing to go back. I truly loved being there. I definitely left my heart there and it will probably stay there forever. So now, I must go back... go back.... to a place I love. Going back to my love.

My Philippines

moving along

DSC_7977, originally uploaded by MataMedia.

I have spent 8 months in my Park Ridge apartment and I have finally said goodbye to it. When I first saw it, I said "this must be the place". And it was my place, my haven, my office, my kids' hotel, my playpen, my jail cell, my solace, my own. I did a lot of growing and self-reflection in that short time there and I will miss it, but it's time to move on. Places.... places I will always remember. My places remind me of a time in my life, when things are good, when things are bad. Now my future awaits in a new place. Home will be wherever I make it now.

Summer Song

Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

This song and this video epitomizes my ideology this summer. It's quite optimistic and the video is filled with beautiful imagery that seem very familiar to me as of two and half months ago. This past winter was really long, cold, and difficult and everytime I see this video, it just makes me smile and think of summer. After what I've been going through, I really needed this. Thanks V, for sending me the link :)

B is for Bunso. B is for Bella.

IMG_1456, originally uploaded by MataMedia.

bunso: buns´o' n., youngest in the family

I love this photo of my little Bella. We were at Borders in Uptown when she saw the huge "B" on the building across the street. I love the way she is silhouetted and has her hand on the window, looking out. These small moments with my child seem insignificant, yet they will be the ones that will remain in my memory forever.

Soon, my bunso will be grown up and will leave me to be out on her own. But I will remember her being this small. She is so funny, so sweet, so pretty, so genuine, so happy. It's that magical time in your life when you are truly free. Kids are only young once and if I miss this, I may never have chances like this again with my child.

Thanks Bella. :D