Dreams Never End

It's been a while. So many things have changed. So many things have come and gone. So many things I have done and not done. I have no more dreams but the dreams I have had before... they never end.
Dreams Never End



New Order playing Dreams Never End live in the Ukrainian National Home in New York on November 19th 1981

My promise could be your fiend
A given end to your dreams
A simple movement or rhyme
Could be the smallest of signs
We'll never know what they are or care
In it's escapable view
There's no escape so few in fear
Give in a changing value

To be given your sight
Hid in a long peaceful night
A nervous bride for your eyes
A fractured smile that soon dies
A love that's wrong from your life and soul
A savage mine had begun
Hello, farewell to your love and soul
Hello, farewell to your soul

Now I know what those hands would do
No looking back now, we're pushing through
We'll change these feelings, we'll taste and see
But never guess how the him would scream
But never guess how the him would scream
But never guess how the him would scream

my old favorite place

I used to spend a lot of time alone here when I was in high school. But actually, I was never alone because the animals were always there. The best time to go would be on a spring day.... Tuesday or some off day when most people are busy doing other things besides enjoying the zoo. This place was a special place. It would take me far away from everything just for a while. I could be in the vast plains of Africa with the lions and in a few minutes be in Antarctica with the penguins. It was the whole world to me and at times i had the place all to myself.

I would sometimes sketch, write, take pictures, sleep on a bench, or just enjoy the quietness within the city. The proximity to the lakefront made it even more appealing but I liked staying within the confines of the park. I remember paddle boats in the South Pond in the summer and eating at the cafe by the pond. I loved the conservatory on the north of the park where it felt like a rain forest. Sometimes I'd watch the rowers practice on the South Lagoon. Most of the time, I was just sitting enjoying life and it was all for free. I really felt free and far away whenever I came here.

Life is different now. I have new people in my life that I want to bring here. I have brought my kids, Chloe, Dillon, Max and Bella here and told them about how I really enjoy this place and what it means to me. Sometimes, they seem uninterested, but I know, when they're older, they will know what it means to have a "place" you like. I still like my alone time here, but I rarely get the chance now. I want to go back whenever I can but I want to bring special people with me... so they can love the place as much as I do.

hard to find

Sometimes you have to step away from everything in order to find what you are looking for. You cannot find something this elusive unless you step outside of your bounds and let go of everything that is familiar and safe. No cell phones, no internet, no tv, almost no people, no support groups, no polution, no noise, no traffic, no air condition, no news, no more material comforts that we have grown so accustomed to and have started to worship. You let go of all these things and you start to attain what seems impossible to find, but it's there and it's simply beautiful.

The sound of the ocean waves, the smell of the warm sea air, the sound of the breeze through trees that grow naturally, the feeling of true love... are all there. This place was difficult to get to. It is half a world away, by jet; another plane to another island; cab rides; a speed boat; a tricycle ride; 2 bus rides; a ride on the back of a motorcycle; a ride in the back of a covered truck; more bus rides; a pedicab; more tricycle rides; walking down 182 steps down a steep mountain path by the ocean; a bangka; getting ferried across a river by a little girl in a small paddle boat; walks down dark provincial roads only lit up by the moonlight; walks down long stretches of beach around rock formations with the surf crashing all around.... all eventually led me to where I needed to be.

This place is not so much a location on a map, but a location in my soul. I have searched. I have left behind. I have disappeared... only to have found and be found. I have realised that it is absolutely true that sometimes you must lose almost everything in order to gain back that which you have lost. I have come full circle. We all lose... innocence, love, simplicity, youth, ourselves ... but it is not lost forever. It is just hard to find.

September 2008

trying to get back

IMG_4491.JPG, originally uploaded by MataMedia.

It's been almost 5 months since I left the beautiful Islands of the Philippines. It was my first visit since I was born there some 35+ years ago and it was definitely a sort of homecoming. I remember the feeling of coming home when the plane touched down and the empty feeling I had in my heart as my plane left the earth to come back.

I said to myself that I will be back. When I was floating alone in the Twin Lagoon in Palawan, I looked up at the limestone cliffs and was really at peace. I felt really close to God as I asked him "what do I do now?" And a few minutes later my answer came to me, surprisingly. It was a beautiful sign and my life will never be the same again.

Since then I have been longing to go back. I truly loved being there. I definitely left my heart there and it will probably stay there forever. So now, I must go back... go back.... to a place I love. Going back to my love.

My Philippines

moving along

DSC_7977, originally uploaded by MataMedia.

I have spent 8 months in my Park Ridge apartment and I have finally said goodbye to it. When I first saw it, I said "this must be the place". And it was my place, my haven, my office, my kids' hotel, my playpen, my jail cell, my solace, my own. I did a lot of growing and self-reflection in that short time there and I will miss it, but it's time to move on. Places.... places I will always remember. My places remind me of a time in my life, when things are good, when things are bad. Now my future awaits in a new place. Home will be wherever I make it now.

Summer Song

Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

This song and this video epitomizes my ideology this summer. It's quite optimistic and the video is filled with beautiful imagery that seem very familiar to me as of two and half months ago. This past winter was really long, cold, and difficult and everytime I see this video, it just makes me smile and think of summer. After what I've been going through, I really needed this. Thanks V, for sending me the link :)

B is for Bunso. B is for Bella.

IMG_1456, originally uploaded by MataMedia.

bunso: buns´o' n., youngest in the family

I love this photo of my little Bella. We were at Borders in Uptown when she saw the huge "B" on the building across the street. I love the way she is silhouetted and has her hand on the window, looking out. These small moments with my child seem insignificant, yet they will be the ones that will remain in my memory forever.

Soon, my bunso will be grown up and will leave me to be out on her own. But I will remember her being this small. She is so funny, so sweet, so pretty, so genuine, so happy. It's that magical time in your life when you are truly free. Kids are only young once and if I miss this, I may never have chances like this again with my child.

Thanks Bella. :D