That Which I Should Have Done I Did Not Do

Death, life, the material and the spirit, and the effects of time ...

10

A decade has passed. Time keeps ticking. I have noticed the decadence in life hidden by societies measure of "progress". Sometimes we look at something for so long and we think we know it... and that we have conquered it, but the reality is that we have never fully known it... or owned it... and our perception of it changes because of what's in our heart at the moment. You cannot turn back or undo the effects of time... but realizing the slow decay of a life that is yours is the only way towards self actualization and living in the now. We all think we are living... but many of us are just slowly dying.

This is one of my all time favorite paintings at the Art Institute of Chicago. It is dark and mysterious in all of it's 8 feet height of fine detail. Ivan Albright, a Chicagoan, took years to complete a painting and it shows in the details. The Door took him 10 years to complete. We think 10 years in our life is such a long time, but it really is not. 10 years of sweat, love, sacrifice, and life was dedicated in the meticulously executed details of the Door. I used to stare at this painting and try to look at every single detail of it. I could see 10 years of life in this painting.

Time... time... time... the most precious thing we have. Time is relative.... time is relative. I love the title of one of his other paintings, one that is owned by the Art Institute but I have never seen it on display - Poor Room - There is No Time, No End, No Today, No Yesterday, No Tomorrow, Only the Forever, and Forever and Forever Without End (The Window).

by Ivan Albright
That Which I Should Have Done I Did Not Do (The Door)
1931-41
Oil on canvas; 97 x 36 in.
The Art Institute of Chicago, Mary and Leigh Block Charitable Fund (1955)

Detail of painting. Photos by neoplatonistking on Flickr

Dreams Never End

It's been a while. So many things have changed. So many things have come and gone. So many things I have done and not done. I have no more dreams but the dreams I have had before... they never end.
Dreams Never End



New Order playing Dreams Never End live in the Ukrainian National Home in New York on November 19th 1981

My promise could be your fiend
A given end to your dreams
A simple movement or rhyme
Could be the smallest of signs
We'll never know what they are or care
In it's escapable view
There's no escape so few in fear
Give in a changing value

To be given your sight
Hid in a long peaceful night
A nervous bride for your eyes
A fractured smile that soon dies
A love that's wrong from your life and soul
A savage mine had begun
Hello, farewell to your love and soul
Hello, farewell to your soul

Now I know what those hands would do
No looking back now, we're pushing through
We'll change these feelings, we'll taste and see
But never guess how the him would scream
But never guess how the him would scream
But never guess how the him would scream

my old favorite place

I used to spend a lot of time alone here when I was in high school. But actually, I was never alone because the animals were always there. The best time to go would be on a spring day.... Tuesday or some off day when most people are busy doing other things besides enjoying the zoo. This place was a special place. It would take me far away from everything just for a while. I could be in the vast plains of Africa with the lions and in a few minutes be in Antarctica with the penguins. It was the whole world to me and at times i had the place all to myself.

I would sometimes sketch, write, take pictures, sleep on a bench, or just enjoy the quietness within the city. The proximity to the lakefront made it even more appealing but I liked staying within the confines of the park. I remember paddle boats in the South Pond in the summer and eating at the cafe by the pond. I loved the conservatory on the north of the park where it felt like a rain forest. Sometimes I'd watch the rowers practice on the South Lagoon. Most of the time, I was just sitting enjoying life and it was all for free. I really felt free and far away whenever I came here.

Life is different now. I have new people in my life that I want to bring here. I have brought my kids, Chloe, Dillon, Max and Bella here and told them about how I really enjoy this place and what it means to me. Sometimes, they seem uninterested, but I know, when they're older, they will know what it means to have a "place" you like. I still like my alone time here, but I rarely get the chance now. I want to go back whenever I can but I want to bring special people with me... so they can love the place as much as I do.

hard to find

Sometimes you have to step away from everything in order to find what you are looking for. You cannot find something this elusive unless you step outside of your bounds and let go of everything that is familiar and safe. No cell phones, no internet, no tv, almost no people, no support groups, no polution, no noise, no traffic, no air condition, no news, no more material comforts that we have grown so accustomed to and have started to worship. You let go of all these things and you start to attain what seems impossible to find, but it's there and it's simply beautiful.

The sound of the ocean waves, the smell of the warm sea air, the sound of the breeze through trees that grow naturally, the feeling of true love... are all there. This place was difficult to get to. It is half a world away, by jet; another plane to another island; cab rides; a speed boat; a tricycle ride; 2 bus rides; a ride on the back of a motorcycle; a ride in the back of a covered truck; more bus rides; a pedicab; more tricycle rides; walking down 182 steps down a steep mountain path by the ocean; a bangka; getting ferried across a river by a little girl in a small paddle boat; walks down dark provincial roads only lit up by the moonlight; walks down long stretches of beach around rock formations with the surf crashing all around.... all eventually led me to where I needed to be.

This place is not so much a location on a map, but a location in my soul. I have searched. I have left behind. I have disappeared... only to have found and be found. I have realised that it is absolutely true that sometimes you must lose almost everything in order to gain back that which you have lost. I have come full circle. We all lose... innocence, love, simplicity, youth, ourselves ... but it is not lost forever. It is just hard to find.

September 2008